So much for normal

I’ve really debated on how much detail to give you guys on my story: details of my emotional, mental, and physical state.  I honestly had decided to just give you the “need-to-know” to make the journey real and mine.  Some of the feelings I had through my journey are embarrassing, but real.  Shameful, but honest.  But after this morning’s class at church, I’ve decided to open up. (I’ll share, just keep reading…) I think my feelings were reasonable.  I started this blog to help someone.  Someone who I may or may not know. Someone struggling through something that they are unsure where the light at the end of the tunnel peaks.  Someone who has a great life, but somehow still struggles seeing how blessed they are.  Someone who struggles between how they “should” feel vs. how they actually feel.  Please know, your feelings are normal.  You are ok.  Before everything went down, I can imagine how I think I would have felt if this story was someone else’s.  Probably the same as you.  Once you actually walk through the fire, socially acceptable responses to life’s trials goes out the window.

Past: (continued from previous post)

So life was normal.  Curt had a doctor’s appt. the day after Easter in 2014 for a colonoscopy.  He had been having some trouble and just wanted to get it checked out.  I went with him so that I could drive him home after.  To make a rough story short, the doctor came back with the results as the nurses took my hand. I knew it was bad.  I thought, “This guys is going to tell me Curt has 48 hours to live!”  He (the doctor) said that Curt had more polyps in his colon than he had ever seen and knew it would have to be removed in its entirety.  This meant Curt would have a permanent colostomy bag.  (Real feelings:  I almost had a sigh of relief.  I thought he was going to die, like now! Colon?!  We can live without that!  People live with one kidney all the time!  And God gave us 2 of those!”  You will learn I am ridiculously optimistic, yet realistic.  It’s a downfall sometimes.  Yes, I knew it was going to be tough.  Yes, I knew it would put a emotional strain on him that I couldn’t imagine.  I just knew I had to be a ROCK.) The doctor continued that 3 of the polyps had grown extremely large (optimistic outlook = squashed) and had taken samples to send for biopsy.  He told us the results would be in on Wednesday and to come back.  The results were either 1.) It’s not cancer – but the chances of it being pre-cancerous were high.  That means we watch and wait, and when it rears its ugly head, we hope its not too late or 2.) It’s cancer.  We take action now, and we know what we are dealing with.  Curt never batted an eye.  He always lived like “If it’s my time, it’s my time.”  That’s what made him so fun!  We went home and waited.

Present:

So this morning in our class at church, a few things were mentioned that hit home, specifically to my story and this blog.  (It’s funny how God works, isn’t it!?  And shout out to Adam R. who did an AWESOME job! Whoop!)  Anyway,  he talked about how God gives us all a gift to use.  Those gifts can effect how we react to people and how others see us in situations.  And then those people you impacted will impact someone else.  Your gifts will be a catalyst to a domino effect.  I thought, “That is so true!  I have no idea what my gift is! But it is soooo true!”  Now, I know I’ve been through the ringer.  And I have the “perfect” (insert eye roll) opportunity to show that you (begin sarcastically waving spirit-finger hands in the air) “can overcome the trials in your life and come out stronger”.  So cliche.  Ugh.  But I’m not old and wise.  I’m young and….less wise.   But Adam referenced 1 Timothy 4:12, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.“  And in blogs.  Hmmm.  He continued and in verse 14, “Do not neglect your gift…”.  Well, just beat around the bush, why don’t we?  Then came Ephesians 2:10. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  In advance. Man, those words hit me.  I always say, and firmly believe, that God has a big plan for me.  But it’s like God’s plan wasn’t going to start until after I’d had my fair share of life trials.  Ya’ll, God KNEW I was going to marry a man who he would call home (in my opinion too) early.  His plan started Day 1.  He was molding me and my gifts (whatever they are) the WHOLE time.  IN ADVANCE!!!!!   Yes, I always “knew” this but never had I thought about it.  I’ve said 1000 times in the past year that I hope God used me to help Curt.  That’s why he chose me for him.  But did he choose Curt to help me!?!  In ADVANCE!!!!!  #mindblown  Adam said that our gifts may be small: a hug, a text, a cup of water (Matthew 10:42), and we don’t always see or know how they impacted the ones around us.  I agree.  We may never know.  But I hope to use this blog as a hug, or text, or the cup of water you need.  I hope that you will then impact others with your gift, and let the domino effect of your actions spread like wildfire.  Love you all!

XOXO, KP